Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.” I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go ahead of you there, son?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.