#millennial

Breaking personal, family-related news sends the hosts into shock... and pride. The Confessional asks for advice on a Friends With Benefits situation. Step one: don't live with your ex's family. Sometimes we should worry about what's NOT making headlines.  America's Dad is about to have his life shattered and we couldn't be happier.  "Why, this line of questioning is givin' me a case of the vapors!" -Attorney General of the United States Ya done fucked up, poppet: U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May initiates a snap election and nothing goes according to plan. Chip chip.  Surprise, bitch! introduces us to a much cooler Laura.  And in this week's After Dark: 36 Questions That Lead to Love: By Psychologist Buzzfeed We dive into these questions, legit formulated by a popular psychologist, to see whether they can make us like each other. "Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" delivers. 

Women and girls across the globe shout COME AT ME BRO into the night, emboldened by the power and mystique of Wonder Woman.  Associate Producer's Choice - topics submitted by our rockin' sockin' $10 Patrons - gets goofy. #EatEverything "I'm here to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not the citizens of Paris," said a president who REALLY THINKS PARIS CAME UP WITH THE PARIS ACCORD?? REALLY?  But actually. What is the Paris Climate Accord? What did it do, and why did Trumpacolypse withdraw the United States from it? If you're just as infuriated as we are, demand your mayor and governor join wearestillin.com  Bill Maher ain't no Mark Twain. He's just a dick who used the N word. But what should be done about it?  Apple creates a new kind of "Do Not Disturb" mode, presumably for people who like to carry phones but not use them. #wut Hidden from the Headlines: Puerto Rico. And the Founding Fathers spit on us.  In this week's After Dark: COMING SOON: COMEY'S REVENGE. THURSDAY. 9:30 AM. BE THERE, and we'll re

Happy birthday to our own Founding Father, Andrew Simsjefferson, without whom none of us would be here. (He is our literal dad.) Getting an IUD is like entering the Gates of Hell and your doctor is Lucifer.  We start news off on a serious note, as reports roll in of a terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. Why a concert venue? Why Ariana Grande? Look at these young whippersnappers with their funny clothes and rock music! Hmph.  The Russia investigation heats up and goes full fucking General Hospital on our asses with even more mounting drama. What's the end game here? Hidden from the Headlines: Actual News. New Justice Department policies and White House budget proposals may upend millions of lives, but few people are talking about it.  Surprise, bitch! gets flirty.  In this week's After Dark: The Spin Room: Matt and Andrew put on their best Sean Spicer suit and defend the president.  Thank you for your question.  Can an old tv show make new waves? With the country in chaos, television is quickly becoming eve

What's been going on this week, guys? Nothing? Yeah, same here. EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK. Someone at the FBI leaks a memo former Director James Comey wrote wherein he describes Trump pressuring him to drop his investigation - meanwhile, President Fuhrer tells the Russians ALL KINDS OF CLASSIFIED SHIT Oh and P.S. a special prosecutor has been appointed to take on the Russia-Trump investigation. No big. Does anything else even matter? Yes, as it turns out, because no one can afford homes (or food) anymore. One journalist suggests Millennials cut back on the avocado toast. Mmmkay. Hidden from the Headlines digs into some partisan shenanigans going on in North Carolina.  Surprise, Bitch! gives us blue balls once again. And, oh yeah, we did also talk about Harry Styles and baby gravy at the top. Yes, you read that right.  In this week's After Dark: Why stop at avocado toast? Cut out ALL the fun things! We delve into our own weird habits and guilty pleasures that are keeping us from being homeowners. Listeners chime

Andrew, Laura, and Matt recap their recent adventures: Andy's back on the east coast, Laura is about to own a home, and Matt's saying bye to his parents. All of this is good news, it seems. Andrew extends his in-person interactions with #Millennial listeners to a new level: Dating. Frankly, there's only one news story to discuss this week: Comey. We offer a quick recap of the week and what it means for the future. Is it possible to dislike Comey AND dislike Trump's decision? Yes, absolutely. Come on, crazy Republicans. Family Feud: Trump Adjectives Edition. The Number: What's the age that 20 - 26 year olds think it's lame to move in with your parents? Andrew shudders to read the answer. In Surprise Bitch, Andrew and Laura apologize for ghosting one of our listeners. Laura recommends El Techo in San Francisco's Mission, if any of you want to eat in style. In After Dark, we discuss recent cybersecurity flaws that've wrecked havoc across the globe. What can we do to keep ourselves secure? Or should we j

Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Fuher Laura. YOU get manipulated! *YOU* get manipulated! EVERYONE. GETS. MANIPULATED!!! -Oprah if she worked for Facebook.  Why was there a Civil War? What was slavery? Is the sky blue? What's even, like, REAL, man? President Trump asks the tough questions and the lamestream media just doesn't get it. Shutdowns and border walls and bombs, OH MY! A budget deal was struck and Commander Cockwaffle isn't having it. Amazon Echo: For the sadomasochist in all of us. Brought to you by Matt, copyright 2017. And in this week's After Dark: We decide to get more personal than usual (yup, it's possible) and discuss the nitty gritty details of our love lives - with the explicit goal of embarrassing each other in front of our boyfriends. Some of whom are present.  We each describe how our first kisses went down. Surprises abound.  Welcome to Jeopardy, with your host, Awkward Vanna White!

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners?  Bye boi!  Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good reason. What do you want to hear on your death bed? "You are loved"? "Heaven is real"? "Donald Trump's in prison"? Are the last two the same thing? The hosts investigate.  Uber gets a smackdown from Apple and Andrew starts his own religion.    And in After Dark: Hidden From the Headlines: Dow Chemical asks President Thundercunt to ignore a new government study that found Dow's pesticides are fuckin up 1,800 endangered animals. "WHAT WILL DONALD DO?!" wonders nobody.  "Dear Diary, I am about to receive terrible advice. But here's go nothing." We respond to a few listeners' requests for sage life wisdom.

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog.  Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nintendo Switch. Jesus may have come back on Easter and all, but can't we agree he's just a one-trick pony at this point? Snapchat is doomed, but Instagram stories are here for all of Andrew's sex taping needs! Infowars' resident sociopath and MAGA baseball cap conossieur Alex Jones must admit he's either a playing the role of a neo-Nazi or a shitty dad. (Spoiler: it's both.) United airlines has decided to give peace a chance by softening their ass beating de-boarding policy to simply deny boarding to paying customers in favor of last minute crew bookings. Surprise Bitch leaves the hosts content now that someone finally

An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth.  "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them.  The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists.  "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies.  President Trump (hahaha still soul-crushing to write) launches tomahawk missiles in Syria, attacking the airfields President Assad used to launch last week's chemical attack against his own civilians.  Someone should've bought baby Trump a game of Risk so he could understand that war is a fucking strategic enterprise not a God damned Atlantic City craps table. Happy Passover, Jewish friends! This holiday, kick back and let White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer school you on Holocaust history. #KnowledgeIs(White)Power  Surprise, bitch! continues to be an actual fucking bitch.  In this week's After Dark: Laura's qua

The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself.  Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners.  Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feedback - tl;dr if you’re flying for free, don’t be a dick or dress like a hobo.  In News, we cover a myriad of cheerful tales such as chemical attacks in Syria and the stolen SCOTUS seat and impending filibuster of Neil Gorsuch. Andrew saves us with some tech talk.  Student loan debt holders have 99 problems and they’re all Navient/Fedloan.  Devil’s advocate forces Laura and Matt to defend Pepsi’s latest advertising gaffe. Nothing says “grab a Pepsi” like racial discrimination and police brutality!  Surprise, Bitch! returns. Prepare to be disappointed.  And on this week’s edition of After Dark:  We have a voicemail n

United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck Off, Cupid introduces us to pickup lines so egregiously bad, we question evolution. In this week's After Dark: Uber, Lyft, GrubHub, OKCupid - the rise of smartphone apps has led to a growing conversation about whether these services are responsible for user safety. Yes, even GrubHub has horror stories. Laura reports.

#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr.  Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty and The Beast gets positive reviews, even from folks who didn't care to see it. Will Belle finally address her Stockholm Syndrome? A high school teenager in the Mid-West went viral last week after her school sent her home for exposing her shoulders. The girls get angry.  The Number reveals one of us spends too much money on Pokemon incubators.  And in this week's Special, Forever-Long Edition of After Dark: We make up for our Spring Break stint with a special appearance by Andrew's little brother, Ryan, who reveals precisely how he found out Andrew was gay... years before he officially came out.  Spoiler alert: v

​Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship.  We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community.  Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole country relies on for clean drinking water, but ha ha it's okay it's not like we need that to live. #blessed  Do 1st amendment rights apply to robots? They should when they're recording you. Amazon fights to keep Echo users' personal privacy intact from law enforcement.  We're off next week for Spring Break, but don't worry, we're sure nothing big will happen between now and then. ​And in this week's After Dark: ​Laura and Andrew discuss the not-State of the Union address. Shit. Is he learning how to sound presidential?  Healthcare was a prominent topic, as was this VOICE nonsense. We discuss both matters a

To anal, or not to anal? What you've all been waiting for: the answers to what happened in Aruba.  Columbia University accepts, then unaccepts, 277 applicants. In related news: 277 teenagers are spared the trauma of attending Columbia.  Should food stamps be used to buy candy and soda? The State of Maine asks, #Millennial (kind of?) answers.  #ItGetsBetter is more than just a catchy phrase: a new study finds that since gay marriage laws were passed, the teen suicide rate has dropped.  Michigan State has 99 problems but a whiteboard ain't one.  Where were you when Sweden was attacked by its immigrant population? We can't remember. Neither can Sweden.  Listener feedback unravels a deep, serious confession from somebody admitting to being transphobic. We welcome the thoughts and experiences of any trans listeners who would like to respond on the next episode.  MAKE THAT DENTIST APPOINTMENT YET ANDREW? And in this week's After Dark: How to Adult 101: Listeners have questions about commuting to work, buying hom

1/4 of our panel is celebrating Valentine's Day in Aruba, so the rest of us are here to talk shit on her. We're not jealous or anything.  The Grammy's were just asking for #GrammysSoWhite to trend, and they lived down to expectations.  Something something 50 shades something Katy Perry.  Laura and Andrew both became single in time for Valentine's Day and have an 85% match on OKC. OTP!  Listener feedback leaves us feeling like we're still too old for that clubbing shit and that sexuality is weird.  Tracking Trump is a our new segment in which we attempt to contain the diatonic new world order to 10 minutes of our show. It still feels like shit, sorry. AP choice asks us to relive our best and worst years, for book recommendations, and our thoughts on Jason Carter using a certain four word expletive on Twitter.  Laura and Matt rock our new favorite game - Who said it - Voldemort or Steve Bannon?  And on this week's edition of After Dark:  Given the extreme weather events we're seeing in Louisiana, Northern Ca

There may be big changes coming for one of us over Valentine's Day. Stay tuned.  Listener feedback takes a dump on Andrew and weaves a tale of panties and bushes.  We guarantee we're the only podcast that will go from anal to the Constitution. #blessed  "Fuck those immigrants, amirite?!" -Native Americans and/or Donald Trump  We discuss Betsy DeVos (Note: This episode was recorded before she was confirmed as Education Secretary). One gay, two gay, three gays, four. Five gays, six gays, seven homos more. A new survey reveals Americans greatly overestimate the size of the LGBTQ community.  Adam Sandler, or a gay club? Matt gives us the name. We guess (badly).  And in this week's After Dark: #NeverForget the Bowling Green Massacre. We each share our stories of where we were on that fateful day.  How, and why, does the Trump administration get away with such outrageous lies? What's their strategy here?

In Good News, the Boy Scouts are now cool with transgendered youth joining their organization. Hollywood no longer hates Mel Gibson, which is SAD! Will Facebook's latest News Feed changes have a positive effect on curbing fake news? Our $10 Patron offer a few discussion topics, including feeling useless when you're in a Democratic state like California, and long distance relationships. And this week in After Dark: How do you stay sane during these difficult times? We offer a few solutions, including major social media breaks and escaping to other worlds.

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else.  Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight.  News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident.  Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither.  And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millenni

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already.