#millennial

Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both.  Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users.  U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart.  Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere.  Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately.  The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about.  Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim.    In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patro

In our last show of the year, we streamed LIVE for Patrons and welcomed back a long-lost host. Happy birthday, Laura. We hope this embarrasses you, Laura. News jumps off with a report from Aleppo, Syria, where thousands of unarmed civilians have been slaughtered. Know what it is now, Gary? Biden/Obama 2020: Because Obama's departure feels too real after his last-ever press conference of the year. Get into the holiday spirit with our annual GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Who the fuck got Andrew that?! Farm girls have great calves. #FYI Goodbye, 2016. What will 2017 hold? We guess the new year's upcoming headlines. In this episode's After Dark: We bring Devil's Advocate back and challenge ourselves to argue: why was 2016 the best year? (Lol) World peace. Or world destruction. Our individual hopes for the new year vary. Andrew relives a tragic New Years Eve story.

In our penultimate “fuck this year” episode, all of our hosts return!  Except the other chick “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games - we got volcanoes exploding.. right in your face.”  The Hamilton Mixtape is now available on Spotify! (Or for purchase if you’re 1000 years old).  The Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) has been struck down for now, but what will happen under a Trump Presidency?  Amazon Go is here to scan your phone for all those dick pics. “Put the Magnums down, Jonathan, the Lifestyles are right in front of you.”  Afraid President Pussy Grabber Elect might lose access to his Twitter? Never fear - technology is being expanded so POTUS can use the cellular emergency alert system to let us know what else he thinks is overrated, sad, or bad.  Trump the Distractor: Laura explains why the GOP has warmed to Trump, and why all of his gaffes and faux pas are intended to distract us.  Meanwhile, Senator Turtle McTurtleton of the Galapagos is threatening to scrap the filibuster if Democrats try t

It's the Andrew and Matt show on this week's #Millennial, so we're doing things a little differently! Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday: We recap these four… uh… holidays. Updates: The New York Times has seen some major growth since the Election, while fake news continues to spin out of control. We share our thoughts on Disney's latest musical, Moana. Did they try to create another Let It Go 'moment'? Andrew thinks so. NASA wants help in making it easier for astronauts to poop. Listeners write in with their questions regarding fandom, heartbreak, Los Angeles, good habits, and holiday traditions. Surprise Bitch: Redemption Edition. One person answers, another doesn't (but we end up speaking to the latter in After Dark!).

Buckle up, minions: we’re so deep in the Dumpster Fire the theme music is no longer audible. What are we thankful for? Nothing (except Bruce Springsteen). Trump was shocked to learn that the leader of the free world tends to live in the nation’s capitol. Alexander Hamilton has a thing about picking fights with Vice Presidents, which is a convenient distraction for the $25 million Trump University settlement. But for real, We talk Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (hint: the West Wing circa 2017) BEWARE: Here there be spoilers! Listener Earnie piques Andrew’s interest in being a cross-contintenal road whore. And on this week’s installment of After Dark: "Hello darkness my old friend,” said the Walmart employee as he ventured into the dimly lit megamart at 3 am for a long day of scanning barcodes and questioning the life choices that led him to this point. Who the fuck goes Black Friday shopping anyway? (hint: Andrew) Can millennials and our lack of disposable income save future genera

Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out. Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry. We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels. Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you! New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets. Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!). Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward. And in this week’s After Dark: Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said. “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths

We're sad y'all. What does this mean for the future of the country? We offer our early reactions and how to cope with such a devastating vote. In the next episode we'll discuss the GOOD parts of hanging out together!

Halloween was an identity crisis for one of us, who faced the toughest Harry Potter quiz of her life.  We've got 99 problems and Anthony Weiner is literally all of them. Dumpster Fire: The Penultimate Edition questions how one man's dick can exert so much power. Who will take Florida? How many beers will Andrew drink? Will Laura drunkenly hit on strangers at the bar? These and more important election night predictions. Goodbye, Clusterfuck 2016. We hardly knew ye. Standing Rock Sioux protests against an oil pipeline that would run through their sacred land are finally getting more attention. If you want to help: Call North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple at 701-328-2200. Tell him to stand with Standing Rock. Sign the White House petition here. Donate to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe to help fund their protest efforts. Perhaps most importantly, call the Army Corps of Engineers and demand that they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903 And in this week's After Dark: We discuss our upcoming election trip; And

#Millennial reporting live from the end of the Republic, with only two more weeks left before the next - and depending on how it goes, maybe the last - presidential election. -Is Wonder Woman an empowering role model for girls worldwide, or just over-sexualized spank bank material for boys? The UN deliberates. Tonight at 9. -AT&T announces it's buying Time Warner for a monumental $85.4 billion. Harry Potter asks if this means he'll get free roaming. -A new installment of Trumpster Fire 2016 comes with a PSA about polling booth selfies, brought to you by: Justin Timberlake - bringing felonies back since 2004. -The Number asks us to guess which state has the highest per capita number of sex toys, and spoiler alert, it's NOT GEORGIA. NICE SLACKING THERE LAURA. -Surprise, bitch! is a massive failure, much like this show. In this week's After Dark: -Halloween is almost here, and we kick it off with another creep ass story from our resident ghost hunter. -Close the portal. -Where should costumes draw the l

Welcome back to the show, Pam! Note: This episode was recorded BEFORE the debate. This week's After Dark will have our thoughts on the third and final brawl! Shit is real now in the fight against ISIS. We discuss the Battle for Mosul. Andrew tries to share some health tips for those in their 20s, but Matt apparently knows them all. The Montreal Protocol just got a lot tougher and COOLER. Canada decides to "Tell America It's Great," and we decide to return the favor. Warning: NSFW ;)

Haiti's death toll from Hurricane Matthew has soared past 900 -- and thousands more are suffering from the rapid spread of cholera. Donate whatever you can spare to Unicef's Haiti mission or Hope for Haiti.  "BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP SHOCKS WORLD, REVEALS RAMPANT SEXISM" said no one who's watched him speak longer than 10 seconds before today. TapeGate does reveal one new thing, however: Donald Trump isn't just a minsogynst. He's also a sexual assaulter. And he brags about it. These. Aren't. Just. WORDS.   The second presidential debate: where no one won, because we all lost.  Pol Pot. Kim Jung Un. Donald Trump. Which of these is not like the other? (Trick question.) Hidden from the Headlines warns against fear mongering with a new, surprising revelation: the world is actually doing okay. (Mostly.) Surprise, bitch! Have you ever heard of Harry Potter? And in this week's After Dark: Pence/Trump: the new GOP dream, why everyone is advocating for it, and why it won't happen. "Yer a wizard, Thomas." We sort

Andrew met Bruce Springsteen and died from exposure. RIP. But he'll be resurrected in time for election night - where we'll all be hanging out in D.C. to watch the results roll in. Think you might want to join? Let us know here. BREAKING NEWS: Using loopholes to avoid paying millions in taxes unironically lauded by campaign whose slogan is "law and order." "How to Win at Debating by Being a Keebler Elf," a novel, by Tim Kaine. Hidden from the Headlines brings us the story of the poor, downtrodden plastic industry, yearning for freedom from France's tyrannical environmental laws. #NotTheOnion Fuck Off, Cupid - and an associated tirade against people who can't handle rejection. And in this week's After Dark: Laura's been vlogging live from her car - what are some of our biggest pet peeves re: rules of the road and terrible drivers? AP Choice investigates. AP Choice also asks us about marriage. Where do we stand on it? Will any of us attain it? Why do listeners email us asking why we aren't already? More at

Americans: You're running out of time to register to vote. Get on that NOW if you haven't already! Shout out to our friend Sarah at the HP-Alliance - their most recent campaign is called Wizard Rock the Vote, and its endeavor is to register new voters and empower people to get out the vote in their own communities. Hit the link above to participate, and enter for a chance to win a Harry Potter book signed by J.K. Rowling! Laura wants us to get our flu shots, while Andrew wants to know what we'd save in a fire. Surprise, Bitch: It's Laura's son! He's drunk, alone, and watching Narcos. Laura wants to give him a lesson in 'playing with his phone' ;) ;) ;) This week, in After Dark… Laura's phone is wet. We discuss business horror stories. Who's screwed us over, and what are we doing about it?

The FBI director says it's a good idea to cover up your camera. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING is back. And Laura confesses to being a white girl. In Dumpster Fire 2016, we discuss a Bush's vote for Hillary, Trump using charity money to settle legal problems, and the damn birther movement. What do we expect to happen in next week's first Presidential Debate? Surprise, Bitch! It's your lucky day!

Some MVP listeners ask Andrew why he thinks "a hole is a hole." Andrew digs his grave deeper.  HAPPY 9/11 MATT!!! The birthday boy reminds us two national tragedies were born that day.  Dumpster Fire 2016: Deplorable Lives Matter. Overheatin' Hillary. Real time election results. The end of our Republic.  We welcome Trump spokeswoman MaryAnne Katherine Kelly Sue to the show.  An American oil company is asking Native American tribes in North Dakota to trust them, seriously, everything will be fine, when has the U.S. ever steered you wrong?  "North Korea is best Korea," civilians said sarcastically. Now they're in internment camps and we're hiding under our desks. It's getting hot in herre. So pay the IRS before they burn the rest of your house down.  And in this week's After Dark: One of the hosts spends 10 consecutive minutes talking about their ass. #ButtPlugGate is revealed.  #Millennial PSA: Vomit is not an aphrodisiac. 

Andrew isn't here, so we answer all your burning questions about him.  Warner Bros' legendary failure of the week has us asking: if company slogans were 100% honest, what would they be?  This week in science: antibacterials don't work, and neither do your genes. Why the FDA ruled against antibacterials and why you're probably fat. Tonight at 9. Lions and tigers and zika, oh my! And bees and butterflies and pollinators across 48 contiguous states dying from a new zika-targeted pesticide. Oh... shit.  Don't set cars on fire. Use your feces instead.  And in this week's installment of Dumpster Fire 2016: technology continues to be Hillary Clinton's greatest nemesis, but taco trucks may be her savior.  In this week's After Dark: As aging Millennials, we're starting to get asked a lot about having kids. Why.  How do we want to raise our kids? Why is Laura's daughter named Pedro? An impromptu round of Google that Shit reveals a lot of Americans are losing their children. 

Bienvenido a Jacob, nuestro último ganador del Boleto de Oro! We bring a little culture to the show with a story from Mexico.  But we don't steep in our newfound intellectualism for long. Mayo or man juice? Trick question: both. Surprise, bitch! takes us on the road with a traveling listener. Google that Shiiiiiiiit: Sponsored by the End of Human Intellect.  Colin Kaepernick: the new face of terrorism in America.  Donald Trump visits Mexico (we're sorry), Twitter has given up all fucks, and there's a clown stalking children in the woods. Abandon Earth.  And in this week's After Dark:  Laura apologizes for making the AD theme song so much better than the main show's. We do not accept. WHAT IS GOING ON ANTHONY WEINER. Y U DO DIS. No seriously. What the fuck. Slate argues in favor of "ghosting" at parties, and we find out Millennials are destroying the soap industry. No one likes scraping pubes off a bar of Irish Spring. 

It's Britney, bitch. Burning to ashes in this week's Dumpster Fire: the GOP-black community relationship. Then again, what do they have to lose? Clinton's hashtag!emails are back in the news cycle with more expected to be leaked just in time for election day.  Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle's continued courting of the Satan vote, and an Obamacare problem without a clear solution in sight. But wait, there's more! If you order your news right now, you'll get a free:  1) Ryan Lochte scandal - brought to you by Speedo  2) Gawker debate - brought to you by questionable journalistic standards  3) Justice Department memo - sponsored by the tears of private prison executives  4) And more! Surprise, biiiiiiiitch.  And in this installment of After Dark: "Let's play a game." -Jigsaw/Matt  Who said it? Trump, or Mussolini? Trick question: Kanye West. We call listeners and see if they can tell the difference.  "Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in America will see that some day." T

Golden ticket winner Claire toughs out a packed show about Trump's downward spiral. But first: Bucket Lists: what's on ours, and why do they all entail the same thing. Trumpster Fire 2016: further and further down the rabbit hole we go. The Donald doubles down on his "Obama is the founder of ISIS" remarks, then claims sarcasm, then says he wasn't being sarcastic.  Some people are saying he's become psychologically unhinged. We're not saying that, but some people are.  An ideological screening test for immigrants - coming to an authoritarian regime near you! Hidden from the Headlines asks why the recent shooting in Milwaukee has fallen of the media's radar so fast. The Number. Sponsored by generational poverty.  And this week's After Dark is ratchet AF: Fuck Off, Cupid! features our latest gems from the online dating world.  We read another part of Andrew's now-famous Scorpius/Albus Severus fan fiction... some of us in front of our parents. 

Golden ticket winner #2 hails from Australia and brings her pet wallaby onto the show! Not really, but you fucking believed it for a second.  Team USA is dominating the Olympics right now, so when the GOP completes our country's transformation into a fascist hellscape, maybe Brazil will take us. A new report says Millennials are having less sex than any other generation of the past 60 years. In related news, a newer report says #Millennials have offered up their services for the greater good.  What's a podcast without a little emotional whiplash? AP Choice takes us from fun to tragic in 5 seconds flat. Dumpster Fire 2016 has some bad news for the country's resident demagogue, but also WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is this about assassination rhetoric? How can we become complacent to this? No kidding guys, normalizing implications of violence is how despots begin removing their political foes from power. Jenna takes us down under and quizzes us on everything Australia. We know enough to know we'll never visit without