#millennial

Is there even a 1% chance our boyfriends think we have a pee tape? Find out live, just like we do. This message brought to you by grad school: fuckin everyone over, one podcast at a time. We dig into an explosive news week with a discussion -- and a game -- surrounding the latest Trump/Cohen/Stormy drama. We even stuff our mouths with marbles.  A new device allows law enforcement to break into our phones and new credit card terms allow us to save some trees.  A listener seeks our sage life advice. Time to get fit and be scared.  In this week's After Dark: What parts about being an adult weren't we prepared for?  This gets real, fast, as we share genuine experiences and fears. But also, [Seinfeld voice] what's the deal with produce?!

Laura introduces us to her slampiece and Andrew is erect. The Number takes on a decidedly ominous tone. Hawaii puts itself on the short list of states that allow medically assisted suicide. There are worse ways to go. A Chicago suburb bans assault weapons and we... aren't sure WHAT to feel. YouTubers learn that defining "controversial" isn't as easy as looking it up in Webster's. A very special edition of the Newlywed Game takes us up close and personal with Laura & Marc. 4ever. In this week's After Dark: Online communities are weird spaces. We talk about our best, and worst, experiences. What kind of responsibility do creators have to their communities? Is there any responsibility in reverse?

A warm welcome to Zach, who brings a touch of sincerity and thoughtfulness to the episode. Fuel efficiency standards are being rolled back and we fuckin rampage. Uber fucks up bigly as one of its self-driving cars self-drives its dumb ass into a human being. It's tragic and telling. A fascinating new psychology study concludes that a person's attractiveness determines to what extent they think of society as "fair and just." We ugly. Zach is in it to win it with some much-needed insight into the debate on mental health and gun violence. He wants you to check out this website if you're seeking mental help. Broad brushes are for bitches. In this week's After Dark: The Sinclair controversy reaches a boiling point as a poignant video goes viral. We play the clip and dig in. "This is dangerous to our democracy." 2 Truths, 1 Lie: Fake News style.

A Stormy's comin, 'Arry. And you best be ready when she does. The Journal of Sex Research has released a comprehensive list of reasons (and remedies) for dead bedrooms in long-term relationships. We're fascinated.  Cambridge Analytica: What. The fuck. "Surviving middle school is supposed to be metaphorical." March For Our Lives breathes new life into the gun control debate. And no. Knowing CPR won't help. Surprise, bitch! welcomes a fellow marcher to the show. And in this week's After Dark: Laura asks us to consider the growing phenomena of partisan disconnect, and how people are increasingly unaware of their own hypocrisies. Purity tests make the "perfect" the enemy of the "good." Democracy is tough, dirty work. Do it anyway.

The new intro is here! RIP Matt, you'll live on in our earbuds. The Stormy Daniels saga is about to be put on steroids by a new interview. From bikes to trains to video games, it's the biggest toy store to ever go out of business! Gee whiz! A big upset in PA has everyone cautiously optimistic.  "SIR I THINK I LEFT MY CLAY FACE MASKS IN YOUR CAR!!!" Uber reveals the strangest items ever submitted to their Lost & Found.  Surprise, BRANDON. You're not the only one with connections, BRANDON. And in this week's After Dark:  China formalizes its plans for a "social credit" system, whereby citizens' social responsibility is judged based on petty behavior like blocking crosswalks. The penalty? Immobility. Calling George Orwell.  What's the danger (and if you're Andrew, the benefit) of a government implementing "social credit" scores? We pretend such a system exists here and reveal the things that would have ruined our social credit score.

RIP Andrew. The show assumes its final form as the girls take over. We vouch for the wholesomeness of a long lost host. "North Korea meeting? What North Korea meeting?" -The White House, probably. Martin Shkreli, the asswipe who raised lifesaving medicine prices for sheer, obscene amounts of profit, is going to prison. Sad. A bunch of SYCOPHANTS submitted listener questions and we assign each other dog breeds. #sophisticated And in a special edition of After Dark: OkStupid: The girls introduce you to their boyfriends, whom they both met online, explaining why they're both so profoundly creepy. Online dating as a man has its pros and cons. Mostly pros. We get our geek on with some gaming talk. Listeners seek relationship advice and we get real with them.

Hidden from the Headlines: a new and troubling trend of governors refusing to hold special elections when they fear their party might be on the losing end. This is NOT what democracy looks like. Alexa users are reporting that the AI will laugh creepily. On her own. Unprompted. HARD FUCKIN PASS. "Family Foundations": they love family so much, they want every child to start their own! Surprise, bitch! confuses a listener at work, and Associate Producer's Choice has us worrying about the Potter franchise. And in After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons this week: The truth is out there. So are our conspiracy theories. A program to research aliens, and whether they've visited Earth, is a real thing. We reveal our own extraterrestrial experiences. Andrew calls for help.

A tapestry of photographs flash before the screen. The collage ends on a glowing photo of Matt, smiling, looking serene atop a mountain of clouds. We feel his presence even as the picture fades to white. His voice echoes softly: "How's my butthole look in these?" And then he's gone. The last piece of him, a memory only our sleeping eyes can see. Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about D and D! President Trump proposes we stop school shootings by arming teachers with guns. We can't afford to arm them with paper and crayons, but sure, this is fine. Foreskins finally get the press coverage they're due as religious leaders condemn a new Icelandic law banning circumcision.  #MemoGate enters week 453 (estimation) with a redacted rebuttal. Friends forever.  And in this week's installment of After Dark: Someone's sphincter is broken and I CAN'T JUST LEARN IT FIXED AGAIN, OKAY Apart from the great circumcision debate, how are parental norms changing? What differences do we see bet

Black Panther is a crazy good success story. One might say... almost too successful.  It's happening. Slowly, but surely. Mueller's investigation is inching closer to conclusion, starting with the fuckwads who dared to interfere with the oldest constitutional democracy in the world. Another school shooting. Another town devastated. When will we value our children more than our guns? The Parkland shooting survivors aren't waiting for an answer. The great transportation debate: Uber, Lyft, and the cost of crumbling infrastructure.  From Our Feed: Folks are up in damned arms over Fergie's rendition of the national anthem, and we... let you decide for yourselves.  Sending thoughts and prayers to a listener's overworked liver.  And in this week's After Dark: Google That Shit takes a look at the main show's stories and we remember that people are idiots.  We call a bunch of listeners for Surprise, Bitch! and get through to some sexy smart motherfuckers. Physicists? We can barely spe

Time for a feel trip. We wish Matt the worst of luck, and hope he falls flat on his face. "LOOK AT ME. I'M THE POACHER NOW." -Lions Omarosa returns to her reality television roots and immediately starts dropping bombs and freaking us the fuck out. We have the best health care in the world, they said. You'll be fine, they said. Health insurance company Aetna gets caught with their pants down. Vote with your wallet. Drink Dunkin'. The Confessional celebrates the freedom to refuse being labeled or boxed into a single identity. We discuss the true meaning of capitalism I MEAN LOVE in a special Valentine's Day segment. In this installment of After Dark. Would you rather have to suck on your boyfriend's dirty, sweaty toes, or lick a friend's clean and pristine vagina? Would You Rather: Valentine's Day Edition gets gross. We learn even more about each others' butts. Andrew tries to corner the girls. The girls have none of it.

The Eagles win the Superbowl and MLK rolls over in his grave. Memo Schmemo. Who needs the FBI anyway?! Lolz Stop trying to make the Olympics happen. They're not going to happen. The Larry Nassar case gets heated and the #MeToo movement proves itself tragically relevant.  Susan B. Anthony's dream is realized with the introduction of Lady Doritos: for the sexy snacker in every woman. Hidden from the Headlines examines how the Environmental Protection Agency is failing to protect the environment. Also you. The BEST PRESIDENT, LIKE, EVERRRRRR gets a Twitter makeover with our Valley Girl series. And in this week's After Dark: If you see my butthole, I should get to see yours. #relationships101.  Plans go off the rails as Andrew regales us with tales from his sex life. We try to be normal and answer some listener questions

Andrew recalls a horrific dream he had recently. ~What does it mean??~ We share our thoughts on Trump's SOTU.. the parts we watched, anyway. Oprah has announced she's not running for President. That's a big win for the Dems. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of this Damn Series. What the hell is going on with David Yates' latest comments? Mark Salling is dead of an apparent suicide, and some people seem happy about it. Sorrynotsorry that some of us feel sympathy for his family and tragic life. GET. VACCINATED. Flu season is really bad this year. Surprise, Hosts! Our latest Surprise, Bitch victim is a Republican. We talk about what it's like to be a conservative and listener to a liberal podcast. The Number: Sleep and Facebook Editions. Our first sponsor of the year has done wonders for Andrew's and Laura's faces: Visit BioClarity.com and use code 'MIL' to get their 30-day skincare regime for $9.95, including free shipping! This week in After Dark: Bad Neighbors, Part 2. Matt and And

-The government shitdown unfolds as we speak, and we all pray that pinky promises are legally binding.  -An Irish woman finds love in the arms of her new husband: the 300 year old ghost of a Haitian pirate. WTF News is back! -#FakeNews NASA says our solar system contains a mysterious 9th planet... that we just haven't found yet. In related news, science determines all reality is a sham. -Pennsylvania's Supreme Court made big waves when it struck down gerrymandering this week, prompting many in the Republican Party to comment, "Fuck." -Women descend on the nation in droves demanding crazy feminazi shit like "equal pay" and "reproductive freedom."  -Trump assumes his final form as a Reddit comment troll. -China's new, freakishly efficient air purifier might be the answer to our ailing air quality. Also, trees. -USE A PHONE. -The Confessional pedals conspiracy theories, and Surprise, Bitch! surprises absolutely no one. In this week's After Dark: -Bad neighbors. We've all had them, and right n

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and we are it. Let's act like it. -MOUNTAINS, GANDALF!!! takes on a decidedly different meaning. -President Trump refers to particular, mostly people of color-populated countries as "shitholes," and the veneer of "this isn't about race" washes straight off. -YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. HUG YOUR CAT. HIDE YOUR KIDS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. -Apple users have something useful to celebrate for the first time since that Coldplay ad stopped airing. -New Years resolution: getting Facebook to give a fuck about propaganda. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Germany and the Midwest. We ask how they like their dirty talk. And in today's After Dark: -Andrew gets gross on us. Again. #RegularDick -The Tide Pod challenge has us reliving our dumbest moments and revealing our worst life choices in a game of 2 Truths 1 Lie. -BREAKING NEWS FOR THE HP FANDOM. We learn who was behind the infamous Acid Quill, and who was responsible for outing Andrew.

Welcome back! It's officially season 4. Time to jump the shark and disintegrate into a heap of failure. Highlights from our break include a Rated R coffee mug, a tropical trip from hell, and an acute injury to one of our boyfriends. Merry Christmas. New Year, New Laws: we take a look at some of this weird, but mostly pretty cool, state laws taking effect in 2018. (Suck it up, Oregon.) YOU get a Super PAC! YOU get a Super PAC! YOU… can take a seat. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the Oprah for President trend. Fire and Fury makes major waves as the retelling of an age-old story you might better know as, "The Emperor Has No Clothes." Surprise. Why it's important to carefully support real, honest journalism right now, even if it means being critical of reporting you like. And in season 4's first installment of After Dark: Game: Guess what people got stuck up their assholes in 2017! Literally. This isn't metaphor. There is an actual list of items people got caught in their hamm

-Happy birthday to the heart and soul of this show, our dear Laura. Champion of the downtrodden. Warrior for the underrepresented. Purveyor of the sex. -We finally unwrap our Secret Santas and find out WTF is in Laura's giant box. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Utah where we creep on a listener who was just creepin' on us. -Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the debate happening now over microtransactions in video games, and whether they constitute gambling. -We look back on 2017 with horror and a little bit of sap. In this year's final installment of After Dark: -SPOILER ALERT (no, seriously): Star Wars, The Last Jedi. -This film did one thing impressively well, then did all other things... not well. -How did we feel about the big reveals? Will they even stick?

-The Force is strong with us as we get hyped THE FUCK UP for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Florida, where grandparents and presidential campaigns go to die. -Transgender military recruits are shown the respect they deserve by our judicial system. -YOU get a cake! YOUUU get a cake! YOU -- maybe don't. -Facebook Messenger for Kidz: For the bad parent in all of us. -WTF News makes a comeback with some unsavory developments out of Canada. -Listener Feedback validates Andrew's nasty side. And on this After Dark: -Fetishes 101, written and directed by Andrew NeedsHelpALot. -How women should embrace whatever sexuality they feel, and how the porn industry should embrace women. -A Confessional asks us to consider what we would do if our significant other wanted to buy a gun. And keep it in our house.

We kick off with a graphic update on our Thanksgiving sex lives. #blessed Surprise again, bitch! welcomes back a sly motherfucker who somehow figured out how to con the system. It's beginning to look a lot like a merry Mueller Christmas. Royal wedding bells are a' ringing, and this time, there's interesting social ramifications. SAT question 2017: Smallville is to ___, what Jonestown was to ____. Rutgers University tells everyone to grow a spine because confronting racist family members actually works to reduce racism. A game of Google that Shit has us wondering: how do you move a family in Skyrim? And in this week's After Dark: - Two titans of delivery meals battle it out in this rendition of Hello Fresh v. Freshly - Tipping your delivery person: a necessity, and an evil. - We get personal about our food delivery habits, how new smartphone apps are helping or hindering those habits, and what services are worth the price tag.

We're back from break and recap our -- Thank God -- smooth Thanksgivings with the family. This discussion prompts some memories of our closeted pasts. Dictionary.com reveals their Word of the Year, and it's a word that isn't in Trump's vocabulary. It looks like we're about to lose Net Neutrality, and we can't understate how bad this is for the future of the internet. Here's some sample language that you can use when writing to the FCC via their website: “I support the current Net Neutrality rules under Title II of the Communications Act of 1934. Net Neutrality is a core principal of the internet, which protects all of us by preventing ISPs from throttling service to benefit the highest bidder.” There's been a terrible attack in Egypt. Also terrible: The latest man accused of sexual misconduct towards women. A couple of our top Patrons want help with their careers. Where do they go from here when their jobs suck? In The Confessional, another listener comes out as a conservative! :O This week, in Afte

Australians show us how voting is done. Congrats to the LGBTQ community down under! Literal. Fucking. Nazis. show up to protest in favor of a "white Europe" -- 60,000 of them, to be exact, because fuck this whole year. Want to stop your nudes from being posted online? Send 'em to Facebook, who will only post them to their cork board.  "Obesity is about to hit you across the face." Too late. One Show to Rule Them All. One Show to Fuck Us. One Show to Bring Them All, and in Your Roku, Depress Us. And on this week's Thanksgiving Special version of After Dark: How do you handle being horny over the holidays? Is it acceptable to have sex in your parents' house? We discuss and play Devil's Advocate. Holiday Horror: Families. We relive our childhood traumas.  What are we LEAST thankful for this year?